Buddy you’re a young man hard man/Shoutin’ in the street gonna take on the World some day

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead – Barney Stinson

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, there are some days you’ll feel like this:

People have often asked, “Peter, what do you do when you’re depressed?” And often have been returned with a sly smile, maybe a wink, and a simple, effortless response like: “ha-ha, please.”

Not really.

Beneath my accent-toting, comic-book loving, charming man-child of an exterior (who also has a nice bum and is single, by the way), is a living, breathing human who is also capable of feeling down, despite my Herculean strength, and infinite awesomeness.

So I’d like to think.

Y’see, this week was terrible. Possibly the worst week in the world. Remember the time Hitler tried taking over the Allies in Europe? See how lousy that week was? Ad infinitum. That was my week.

What happened next?

There was a movie I watched once upon a time ago – the name, I forget, but I know the main character would sound like how God would speak when God spoke out aloud back in the day. This one line in that movie was forever be embedded into in my life:

Get busy living, or get busy dyin’.

There was something I came across today that further crystallised this mentality:

Then God blessed them [us] and said “be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and govern it…” – Genesis 1:28

God doesn’t want me to remain passive and indifferent either. I wasn’t going to throw in the towel, or be depressed the slightest – because simply, I was too busy to be depressed. Like I said to a friend earlier this evening – there is simply too many things I want to, no, NEED to do. Yeah, you’ve been Bible’d.

Right now, there are many experiences in life that I want to be tantalised with, too many things to learn, and too many of my talents I want to stretch and explore before I can roll over and wave the white flag (or in my case, get a girlfriend again, ooh he di’nt!)

If my life was one day turned into a career reel, I’d love it to be one of those tributes that highlight all the badass things I’ve done. Sorta like this guy here.

Moral of the day: The nineties had all the best sporting legends.

No seriously, if you can’t pick it out from my post then I suggest a frontal lobe lobotomy. If you are a one Andrew Tse, please don’t mention the inaccuracies of my description – I know, you are medic-awesome.

This is Peter Chi – GEHT TO THE CHAWPER!

Steak knife/Card shark/Con job/Boot cut.

Efficiency is intelligent laziness. – David Dunham

I had a conversation with my boss on Monday. It was a boring, meaningless topic regarding stock control, time exchange and the efficiency of goods.

Blah blah.

The tedium had gotten into me so badly; my brain actually exited my cranium and flew to the Whitsundays for a long deserved holiday. So I stopped listening, and relied on my response-jerk reactions to see where it’ll take me.

So this a small sample of how the conversation went:

My Boss: When you put stock in the Kardex through verify…

Me: Productivity Plus!

Etcetera ectetera.

But it made me realise something: you don’t actually have to pay attention to anybody, provided you answer them the way they want to feel answered to.

And the non-versation was born.

The non-versation is universal. Everybody’s done it. If claim you haven’t then either you are a saint, or you’re a compulsive liar. If you’re the latter then you’re having non-versations all the time. Even right now. That’s right.

Also, for those euphemistically believe they’ve never been on the receiving end of a non-versation, congratulations. This song is a tribute to how awesome you really are.

Think of it as a game: Can you non-versate until the end of a conversation?Of course the simple “oh, yeah”, “uh-huh”, “sure thing” would suffice, but if repeated enough times, the victim will catch on and eventually ask if you were listening, hence destroying your non-versation streak. Plus it’s undoubtedly boring.

Sometimes it’s wise to just ask the occasional open ended question to make sure they’ll ramble so you can importantly zone out.

My Boss: I will not tolerate the loss of an actual item blah blah.

Me: So what do we do about it?

It’s more than just a simple solution to a boring conversation, it is an art form. Those who excel at this can say the most absurd things under the intended victim’s radar, without even listening to what they said before. For example:

My Boss: When there is no stock on the shelf, you check the POS and then you blah, blah, blah

Me:  It’s not you, it’s me.

…If you’re good enough you could even start responding with slogans from every day products:

My Boss: … That customer was complaining about the service in the register she said …

Me: Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Sure the risk is well rewarded with personal entertainment; but the golden rule is to always, always stay in context. (More on this next week.)

Which brings me to the moral of my story:

Be nice to your bosses. Or else you’d end up like this:

NB: Everything recorded as conversations here were true. I did say those responses. My Boss’ , however was edited simply due to the fact that I actually wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying at the time.

NBB: If you were one of those self-deluded folks who’ve never been on a receiving end of a non-versation, guess what. The Red Hot Chilli Peppers just had you. Don’t believe me? Check this out.

NBBB: If you are Dominic Grieco and have decided to read this. It’s not about you. I swear. This is a written recount from my friend named MacLovin. I am legally inclined to write what he reports at his work.